weirdness

I was watching this DVD about portrait photography.
The third part was about a studio doing a shoot on an expecting couple.

Like, she was probably 5 month pregnant, and her husband was in the shots, and it was warm and romantic, and they did the shots where he puts his head on her stomach to "listen to the baby," when I realized this particular segment was hurting me, and I shut it off , really suddenly.

I didn't even think about it. It's like when you touch an object that is so hot it hurts, and you jerk your hand away. It's not about my girlfriend who was pregnant, though I'm sure the gut feeling and relation comes from it.

It's a weird feeling, and I can't explain where it came from. Some things are just hard wired into us, and when we're reminded of what we want, we're surprised. This is making little to no sense, and I wonder if it would happen if I tried to watch it again. Sighhssss

just bitching

I can't stomach this feeling again and again and again.

I should clarify that this is all my fault. I'm the dumb guy that gets excited, gets ahead of himself and the situation, and opens himself up to being burned. I seem to always need to have someone to get over, and it's completely stupid. Another face with memories to sting me.

I'm 27 and I'm no better than a teenager, it seems.

It seems also that the need for companionship trumps everything else, it's what I want more than anything else, and once it seems to be a possibility again, I let my defenses go, forgetting that all good things, whether short or long, end.

Bek says I'm the last good guy on the planet, and I shouldn't foget that.

I said, Thanks Bek.

"No, really," she said.

I said that may be true, but it doesn't matter under circumstance.

I can't help but care, and feel deeply what I feel for others, for the women I like. It's my only real weakness, but nothing, I mean nothing knocks me off balance like a relationship, or the warm possibility of one.

I may take this down as quickly as I type it. I really just wanted to vent.